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Puppy hiatus! Reruns daily; new comics restart 3 December 2018
Irregular Podcast! #82007-04-19: Irregular Podcast! #8 - "Extended bonus DVD director's cut." (9:18, 2.13 MB)
TranscriptWARNING: Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.
And I'd record five hundred words,
Na na na, na na na
DMM: Welcome to this special DVD director's commentary bonus feature extravaganza for Irregular Webcomic! Sometimes when making comics certain changes are made during editing to improve the flow of the comic for cinematic release. The following scene, which begins with Strip #1422, is an example. This is the scene from the Fantasy theme in which Lambert and Gollum engage in a riddle contest in the dark. As filmed, it was significantly longer, but during editing we realised that it wasn't really important, and didn't really advance the plot, so it had to go. But now, for the first time, it is presented here in full. I hope you enjoy it.
Lambert: Riddle contest, eh? Okay then... What's green, has six legs, and will kill you if it drops on you from a tree?
Gollum: Too easy, it iss! A billiardss table! How did the man drown in his muessli?
Lambert: Erm... He got pulled under by a currant! How do you know when there's five elephants in your refrigerator?
Gollum: There'ss a Volkssswagen parked outside!
Lambert: Dang, you're good.
Gollum: Gollum'sss turn now. What'sss brown and sssticky?
Lambert: A stick. Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Gollum: In his sssleeviesss. What'sss blind and runsss around in a foressst?
Lambert: No eye dear. What's green and has wheels?
Gollum: Grasssss. It lied about the wheelsss. Very tricksssy. What'sss brown and ssssmelly and comesss out of Cowesss?
Lambert: The Isle of Wight Ferry. What did the black dog say to the white dog?
Gollum: Woof. What'sss worssse than finding a worm in your apple?
Lambert: Dying of cancer. What have I got in my stomach? [gag retch]
Gollum: Nothing now! What'sss orange and sssoundsss like a parrot?
Lambert: A carrot. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Gollum: One, but the lightbulb hasss to want to change. What'sss the ssstrangessst place it hasss ever kisssssed a female hobbit?
Lambert: [long pause] Antwerp. [long pause] What hangs on the wall and ticks?
Gollum: Ticky tape. How doessss it sssstart a pudding race?
Lambert: Say go! Have I asked you this question before?
Gollum: No. What'sss the difference between a duck?
Lambert: One of its legs are both the same. What will be your specialist topic for the evening?
Gollum: The French Monarchy, from 1515 to 1589. How does it makesss a sssausssage roll?
Lambert: Push it down a hill. What was it like to win that Academy Award?
Gollum: Well it wasss a great honour obviousssly, but the credit ssshould go to the entire crew. What'sss one plusss one?
Lambert: Two. Have I asked you this question before?
Gollum: Yes. What'sss Kyrosss like, really?
Lambert: Just like Dumbledore, only self-centred, obstinate, and obsessed with fireballs. Coke or Pepsi?
Gollum: Cokesss, it issss. Who? What? Why? When? Where? How?
Lambert: Miss Scarlet, killed Dr Black, for his money, last night, in the conservatory, with the candlestick. Is the Pope Catholic?
Gollum: Yesss. What'sss hairy and coughsss?
Lambert: Can I call a friend?
Gollum: Er... ssssure.
Lambert: Hey, what's hairy and coughs?
Friend: A coconut with a cold!
Lambert: Hmm... I don't know about that...
Gollum: It sssshould talk usss through what it'sss thinking.
Lambert: Well, a coconut is hairy, no argument, and if it had a cold, I suppose it would cough... but I'm not really sure if that's right...
Gollum: It hasss played the game well ssso far.
Lambert: It's a big risk, though.
Gollum: It'sss inssstinct hasss ssserved it well. What doesss it sssay thisss time?
Lambert: Okay, I'll go with that. A coconut with a cold.
Gollum: Is that it'sss final anssswer?
Lambert: Yeeess... no... wait... [pause] no... yes! Yes. Lock it in.
Gollum: It'sss sssure now?
Lambert: Yes. Yes.
Gollum: All right, it'sss locked in. A coconut with a cold, eh? That'sss a pretty ssstrange anssswer. Isss it confident?
Lambert: Not really. You know, I came here saying I'd risk anything not to be eaten by an insane creature in the dark, so... there you have it.
Gollum: Ssso then, what'sss hairy and coughsss. And the anssswer is... A coconut with a cold!
Lambert: Yes! Phew!
Gollum: It'sss itsss turn to asssk a riddle now.
Lambert: Oh, right yes. Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Gollum: Because it tasssted funny. What doesss it call a three-legged donkey?
Lambert: A wonky. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
Gollum: Becaussse it wasss on a roll. How many Entsss doesss it take to change a lightbulb?
Lambert: Sorry I didn't quite catch that... Could you repeat the question more slowly?
Lambert: Sorry, I missed that. Could you say it again?
Lambert: Oh! A whole Entmoot of them, and they take six weeks to do it. Okay, why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?
Gollum: Becaussse it said "concentrate". Why wasss the chicken afraid of the other chicken?
Lambert: Becaussse he was chicken! King Henri II of France precipitated the Habsburg-Valois War in 1551 by declaring war on which Holy Roman Emperor?
Gollum: Charlesss V it wasss.
Lambert: Yes, wow, you really do know your 16th century French Monarchy.
Gollum: But of courssse... Another riddle... What iss black and white and bouncesss?
Lambert: Black and white... and bounces? Um...
Gollum: Doess it gives up?
Lambert: No! Give me a second here. Black... and... white...
Gollum: And bouncesss, it doess. What isss it?
Lambert: Um... bounces... and... black and white...
Gollum: Too sslow it isss...
Lambert: A rubber... um... rubber... er... nun! A rubber nun!
Lambert: Ha! Too easy!
Gollum: Yesss... Another riddle it hass to gives usss...
Lambert: I'm thinking! I'm thinking!
Gollum: A riddles, or it losesss...
Lambert: Um... er... What have I got in my pocket?!
Gollum: In itss pocketses? That's not a riddle!
Lambert: Close enough!
Gollum: Three guessesss it musst gives usss...
Lambert: Okay, okay. You'll never get it.
Gollum: In its pocketses... Lint!
Gollum: A trick quesstion it iss! Nothing! Nothing in its pocketses!
Lambert: No... That's two guesses.
Gollum: In itss pocketses... what hass it got in itss pocketses?...
Lambert: You'll never guess...
Gollum: Is it... is it... The Preciousss?!
Lambert: No! It was a trick question! I don't have any pockets!
Gollum: Auugh!! Why not??!
Lambert: Trust me, around Mordekai you're better off not having anything in pockets.
And I'd record five hundred words,
Na na na, na na na
CastNarrator - David MM.
Lambert - David Mc.
Gollum - Loki P.
Friend - Andrew S.
Singers - David MM, David Mc, Loki P, David K, Andrew S, Andrew C.