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Puppy hiatus! Reruns daily; new comics restart 3 December 2018
Irregular Podcast! #62007-03-08: Irregular Podcast! #6 - "The Dagger of the Hobbit Lords." (7:25, 1.70 MB)
TranscriptWARNING: Basing your Dungeons & Dragons character on this podcast may be hazardous to your experience point awards.
In the podcast, Irregular Podcast, the lion sleeps tonight.
DMM: Hello, and welcome to yet another Irregular Podcast! Today we have another guest in the studio with us. The guest is none other than Lambert from the Fantasy adventuring party. So Lambert, you're a hobbit, correct?
Lambert: That is correct, yes.
DMM: Right. And you're a merchant.
Lambert: I am a merchant.
DMM: What exactly do you trade?
Lambert: What do I trade? I generally tend to trade in weapons of the smaller kind that-
DMM: Oh, right. Hobbit-sized.
Lambert: Hobbit-sized, yeah. I think there's a bit of a misconception out there that hobbits just can sort of pick up a dagger, that anyone-
Lambert: You know, that, that, any other, that any - I hesitate to use the word 'normal-sized' but I think that's probably what most of the audience will understand - to pick up a normal-sized dagger and use that as a sword, but there's difference in balance and all kinds of things to take into account.
DMM: Right, so this is all very technical.
Lambert: It is, yeah.
DMM: Right, so the-
Lambert: I don't want to get into too many details here. I'm sure you understand.
DMM: Right, so the Dagger of the Hobbit Lords, for example, is not just some thing that was made for someone else.
Lambert: No. No, absolutely. The Dagger of the Hobbit Lords is... You really need to know a lot about hobbit anatomy and balance, of different ways of manufacturing blades, too.
DMM: Right. And I'm sure members of our audience don't really want to know a lot about hobbit anatomy.
Lambert: Well, it depends on your audience. I'm not sure if we want to make any generalisations about them.
DMM: True, true, there are a lot of Lord of the Rings fans out there.
Lambert: That's true.
DMM: So, Lambert, tell us: Why do you keep making hobbit puns?
Lambert: Why would you not make hobbit puns?
DMM: Good answer. Does it worry you-
Lambert: I'm sorry, I think I... I'm sorry, I think I have to revisit that question. Why...?
Lambert: There seems to be an implicit assumption here that the natural tendency is towards not making hobbit puns. I'm not sure that that's valid.
DMM: Right. We'll move on.
DMM: Does it worry you that Kyros may at some stage turn into an evil sorcerer?
Lambert: *sigh* I have to say that I've thought about this. I think that at some stage it's probably inevitable. I'm just hoping that-
DMM: Oh, oh wait. If I can just interrupt you there. It's given that it's inevitable. The question was: are you worried about it?
Lambert: Am I worried about it? Right. I think I don't want to reveal too much at this stage. I'm not entirely sure that my position in this party is something that I want to maintain for the rest of my adventuring career, so I don't want to speculate too much on that. But let's just say that I'm aware of certain tendencies in Kyros' nature and I have made plans to be elsewhere at the time that it happens.
DMM: Very forward-thinking of you. Now, you've hired Draak, who is a lizard man, to be your bodyguard. Does Draak have any annoying habits?
Lambert: Well, the whole speaking in a different font thing has really got up my nose. It took us a really long time to get used to listening to the - as I'm sure you know, "font" is a technical term for the accent of the lizard creature.
DMM: Yes, yes. That would be a hobbit term, would it?
Lambert: It would be, yeah.
Lambert: Yeah. There's a long history behind that word, but again I won't get into it. It did take us a long time to get used to that, but apart from that I think Draak's been an excellent addition to our team and I certainly haven't had to make any allowances for extended vocabulary and that sort of thing.
DMM: Yes, he doesn't seem to have quite the vocabulary of hobbits, for example.
DMM: On other party members: Alvissa. She strikes me as a very, very sensible and down-to-earth person. So why do you think she hangs out with the rest of you?
Lambert: I don't think anyone needs to speculate as to why she's hanging around with me, but then again we don't want to go into the-
DMM: Oh, well. Some people might want to speculate about that. But let's not go there.
Lambert: Well, people can speculate all they want, and I guess it's not really up to me to squash any rumours out there, is it?
Lambert: Far be it from me to-
DMM: Well, being a hobbit you're squashed enough, I guess.
Lambert: Again, I'm not sure that I appreciate that.
DMM: So why does your adventuring party keep losing your horses?
Lambert: I'm not sure that we need horses, personally. I can't speak for the rest of them. I know we wanted to start off with horses, but I think as a hobbit I don't really understand the need to... I mean, we have reasonably hardy feet. It's generally not something that I've ever wanted to do, to make a long adventure sitting on the back of another creature or with our equipment really under the control of some other creature. I don't know whether to trust these horses with our stuff.
DMM: So the fact that they keep disappearing - that may be attributable to you?
Lambert: I wouldn't say that it's attributable to me. Let's just say that I wasn't sorry to see them go.
DMM: So as a hobbit you have a big appetite.
DMM: Does that have anything to do with the horses, and their disappearance?
Lambert: Again, I don't think I want to speculate on that.
DMM: Moving on to the last member of your party: Mordekai.
DMM: He seems a pretty low-key sort of character. What can you tell us about him?
Lambert: What can I tell you about Mordekai? Or I guess, what can I tell you that you don't already know?
DMM: Well, he seems very secretive and... secretive. We don't really know a lot about him, except that he likes to be called a lovable rogue. Is he really loveable?
Lambert: It depends what you mean by "love". Many languages have many different words for love, I suppose. That's maybe a translational issue.
DMM: What about rogue? Would he qualify as a rogue?
Lambert: Yes. I'm not going to answer any questions that are going to incriminate me, so-
DMM: Well, I think you already have - there are three or four here. All right, anything else you want to add? We've got thousands of fans out there who eagerly await your words. Don't get shy now.
Lambert: They will have to wait, won't they? I guess the only thing I want to mention is that I am a little concerned about what could happen in the future in terms of... I just want to pre-empt, right now. I don't... I just want to pre-empt a little bit, that I want to, uh...
DMM: You want to finish this story?
Lambert: I do want to finish this story. I do want to finish this story. There is a certain part of me, that... Ever since I had that time after I was blown up by Kyros and in the dark, I don't want to speculate as to, um...
DMM: (Aside to listeners: this is what's called an embarrassing silence. Continue.)
Lambert: Let's just say I don't want any aspersions cast on my sanity with regard to anyone that I may have met in the dark, let's just put it that way.
DMM: Ah, you refer to Gollum.
Lambert: ... Perhaps.
DMM: On that cryptic note, we'll thank Lambert for being our special studio guest today, and look forward to seeing you next time on Irregular Podcast!
Lambert: Yes, I'm sure you do, thank you very much.
DMM: Thank you.
In the podcast, Irregular Podcast, the lion sleeps tonight.
CastInterviewer - David MM.
Lambert - David Mc.
Jingle singers - David MM, David Mc, David K, Andrew S, Andrew C, Jason R, Ian B. Podcast #2, the interview with Colonel Haken. As with that interview, the guy playing Lambert had no clue what was about to happen when we started recording - he hadn't been present for the Haken interview. So all the responses to the questions are completely unscripted, and improvised on the spot. Again, a few "ums" and "ahs" were edited out in post-production, but otherwise the interview is a single take, from start to end.